A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name
is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your
name written in the Book." "How current is your copy?" he asks. "I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies,
"why do you ask?" "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was
imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet." "I'm glad to hear that," Pete says,
"but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a
group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were,about 20 of them
harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of
the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 350 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his
ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next." "So I
ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled
to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before
I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!" St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?" ......."About three
minutes ago."
One day, this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility
of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a
wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh
cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!" She then asks him,
"How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her
waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says,
"Wow,that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit,
looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" The guy, with tears in his
eyes, replies, "Oh my God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
A young punk gets on the cross town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple & orange. His clothing is a
tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced
jewelry and his earrings are big, bright, red, yellow and green feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across
from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and yells at the old man,
"What are you looking at you old fart! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat the old
man replied, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a
parrot. I thought you might be my son."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of
egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump
in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we
raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And
the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have
a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam
and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and
a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy
troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the
machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "
What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been
drinking."
A man is at the bar,really,really drunk.When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he tumbled out the door he saw a nun
walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really suprised but
before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked
her in the head, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move
very much so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said..... "Not so tough tonight, are you
batman".
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to
win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass on the street near the edge of
the course. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to
pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most
touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, just to pay your
respects." "Well, we were married for 25 years."
One day a six year old walks into a house of ill repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, slaps a hundred dollar bill
on the counter and says, "I want one of your women. The madam looks at him and says "don't you think you're a bit young
for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your women. "The madam says "okay, have a
seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes. "He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "she has to have active
herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She
responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes. "Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging
this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active
herpes?" The six year old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get
home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are
going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep
with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog.
Three guys were sitting in a bar, talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his
martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I
figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her." After
finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the
Bahamas. I figured that if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her." The
biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah? Well, for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a
vibrator. I figured that if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go fuck herself."
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks up..........suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle Master, I
may grant you one wish. says the genie with a smile. Hey, Bitch... don't you know who I am ... I don't need no woman
give me nuttin! barks Rodman. The genie pleads...But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle
forever. Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all...he says Ok, ok...I wanna wake up
with three women in my bed in the morning. So just do it! (giving the genie an evil glare) Now leave me
alone! he screams. So the annoyed genie says So be it!, and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up
with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health
insurance.
The Montana Fish & Game Department released the following press: In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear
conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and
keep alert of bears while in the field. "We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle
bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with
a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference
between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper."
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point
the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you
have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr,
with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you
firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought and replied with
silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we
could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a
death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man
and your brother.
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary
their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The
eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two
conditions. First if it hurts, you will stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past
my mother's.house"
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand
what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
Bill Clinton was campaigning at a old age retirement home. He went up to a woman and shook her hand and said "Do you
know who I am?" "No," replied the old woman, "but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!"
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to
fulfill three wishes for her. "Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her
rocking chair into solid gold. And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." POOF: The Fairy Godmother
turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels. Your third wish?" asked the Fairy
Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head a uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof". "Could you possibly turn
my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?" POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful
princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his
lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you ever had me neutered."
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: "Dear Wife: I am 54 and by the time you
receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel
there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an accountant, will
therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his
cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady
came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I
could find my parakeet. "
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the
husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns
that you would like discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am
usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very
interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly wife, the doctor
said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The
lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. "He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time.
Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time
is usually in December!"
Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind? ....Monica Lewinsky...OJ Simpson...Ted Kennedy...Bill Clinton
WHY? ...Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer , Kennedy can't drive over water, Clinton doesn't know which hole to play
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into
her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for
her cigarette. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other
old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you
could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions
went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised
that this old lady was interested in condoms, but he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute
and then said, "One that will fit a Camel!"
Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise
in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."The
second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my
way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood."
She raps her knuckles on the table, then she, says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have
it. His grandfather told him that "...when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a
day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a
month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow
then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex
now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to
bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Fuck You,' and I holler back, 'Fuck You Too!'"
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have
some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're
75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said,
"I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
Instead of studying for the last exam of their college careers, four seniors spent the night partying in the house they had
rented off campus. The next morning they waited until the test would be almost finished, and then they made their way to
class. Along the way they all put grease on their hands to support the story they were going to tell their professor. The class
was almost done with the exam when all four seniors burst into class. They told the professor that they had a flat tire along
the way and could they please retake the test? The professor said that he was a reasonable man, so he scheduled a test date for
the following week. Their plan had worked! They studied diligently for the next week, making the most of their time. The
day of the make-up came, and they were ready for anything. Each was placed alone in a separate classroom for the test. The
first question, worth five points, was easy. The second was worth 95 points. It simply read, "Which tire?"
This Irish guy shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are
empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, "Hey, pal, I don't mind bringing one at a time, then they'll
be fresh and cold." "Nah... ahm preferrin' that ya bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at
a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split
up that we'd drink this way to each other's honor." "Well," says the bartender, "that's a damn good sentimental thing to do.
I'll bring the pints as you ask." Well, time goes on and the Irishman's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub
regulars. One day, the Irishman comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures
something happened to one of the brothers. A bunch of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out
what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, "Here's your pints... and let me offer my
sincerest condolences. What happened?" The Irishman looks extremely puzzled for a moment. When the light comes on in
his head, he starts laughing. "No, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent."
Two Irish men meet in a bar. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second
man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course,"
replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I
can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the
second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second
man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Oh,
nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Two men were out playing golf and they started to run into the twosome ahead of them. One said "I'll go up ahead and ask if
we can play through." About half way there he turned around and came back. "I can't talk to them. One is my wife and
another is my mistress." The other man says he'll go talk to them. He goes halfway and also turns around and comes back
shaking his head. "What a coincidence," he says.
The guy applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove, seemed qualified for the job. "Look Buddy," said the foreman, "have
you any actual experience in picking lemons ?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" he replied. "I've been divorced three times."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the
house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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